Goodbye

Where once there were five, one remains. You’d gone from me a long time since of course, but here I am once again, preparing for the final goodbye, the final rejection. The call, when it came, was a blessed relief. Partly because I am human, and don’t wish suffering, but partly out of self preservation, knowing that I am safe now.

What of those you have left behind? My two, with a sense of loss, and a hole in their lives that they do not understand. And his two….with a distorted sense of who you were and what you stood for. None of this is their fault. None of this deserved. Which brings me to the point. I did not deserve any of this either. Perhaps you disagreed, but I was never allowed the dignity of an adult conversation. I was not allowed an opinion as a child or an adult. So I shall mourn, not for you, but for the little boy who was left behind years ago. He deserved better, and I am trying to explain it to him now, it has been a very long conversation, and one that will continue for some time I suspect.

All that remains in the real world is admin, organisation and clearing up. The other world may take longer. I will acknowledge and thank you for what you did do, and hope that in your final lonely years that you considered what had been done to you, and how you meted it out on others. I hope that my letter that I handed to you at the crematorium gave you just a small insight. I realise of course, that hope ends here. Not all hope of course. I have lots of that, and love from places that has saved me. What I mean is that there is no more that can be done to argue, explain and admonish. Our shared atheism helps me to come to terms with that. Your memory will live on, and I shall, like with my memory of the others before you, try to take the best of you and move forwards, and dismiss the worst, as I truly believe that is all I can do.

So goodbye, and remember, these tears do not belong to you.